Fuming, Elly stared out into the city over the keep’s north wall. Another night of poor manners and snide remarks had pressed her to the edge of her resolve. She’d barely kept her tongue this time, though speaking out would have likely earned her a reprimand. Quelling her anger, she drew a deep breath and tried to regain some composure.
“Not speaking to me?”
The soft voice startled her. She turned quickly and gasped a little at seeing him. Wraith stood near the wall, keeping a few feet between them, but his blue gaze watched her. She had seen him downstairs earlier, chatting with a few folk. It had been a long while since she’d seen him….
She realized he was still watching her expectantly. She collected herself. “I’m sorry… What was that?”
He still spoke quietly. “Ye’ve barely glanced at me.”
Her brow furrowed as she looked back at him. This was the first he had truly spoken to her since… since before he had left. What was he doing? Even though she was curious, the old ache won out. Her jaw tightened. “Need we go through this again?”
“It seems we must.” He wasn’t backing down. She studied him again. Something was different. He was actually looking to talk. His voice softly reached her again. “I don’t believe I could bear your indifference for the rest of my life.”
The remark stung. HER indifference? She hadn’t been the one to walk away… twice! “What would you have me do?” her words came bitterly. “Forget that you left?” Her expression grew colder. “Or forget your words when you returned?”
He flinched a little at that. “No, I suppose not.” His gaze had dropped to the stone wall beneath their feet. An uneasy silence followed.
Elly just stared at him. He was obviously uncomfortable coming to her, speaking to her. But he was still there. She could see him struggling to find words, but the silence drug on. Drawing a breath, she tilted her head and asked quietly, “Do you hate me, John?” She had to know why he had come back and treated her that way. If he disapproved of her relationship as vehemently as others.
His eyes came up briefly, meeting hers in startlement. And she swore they were dark with regret. But he looked away again, out over the wall. “No…” he stammered. “Never… I….” He sighed heavily and fell silent again.
Something urged her to keep going. There was no stopping now. “Why did you leave?”
He sighed heavily and then the words tumbled out. “Hell Elyriel, I’ve been wrong for so long, I don’t ever remember being right.” She just bit her lip and listened. “I’ve been fighting for so long against one thing or another, enemies and friends alike, sometimes it gets to me. Then I met ye, I thought leaving was the best thing I could do for ye.”
She stood confused for a moment – he wasn’t making sense. Frowning a little, she asked, “Why? John, we needed you.”
“There are plenty of able bodies here, some better fighters than I.”
That wasn’t a reply. He was evading something. Her frown darkened. “And you could not leave word that you were going?” She raised her voice out of frustration, “Gods, John! You could have told me.” He flinched again, his eyes closing as he looked away. She softened her tone. “I was your squire. Your friend….”
His words cut her off. “Had I seen ye, I would not have been able to leave.”
Elly’s mind went blank. Not been able to leave… because of her? The truth struck her hard, so obvious! All the memories clicked into place. Her knees almost gave as she sagged back against the wall. Her voice was barely more than a whisper. “I wasn’t imagining that day in Vesper, was I? Or the rest?” She swallowed hard. He had felt something back then – he had to have. And here she thought he had come to hate her just like so many others did.
She saw his expression flicker with pain. Had she gone too far? “You don’t have to answer that,” she managed to get out.
“No. It’s alright.” He shook his head slightly.
“Is it?” she asked softly. She wasn’t even sure she wanted hear his answer.
He straightened his shoulders and began to speak quietly, each word confirming her thoughts more. “Elyriel, I left ye. I knew that your life as a squire would be doubly difficult for being a woman… the first in the knighthood. But I also knew how it would be so much harder, if your knight… loved ye….”
She looked away, closing her eyes as the full weight hit her again. The man had fallen in love with her but kept his silence only to protect her. And she had hated him… thinking she had meant nothing to him at all. Her heart wrenched with regret. “You should have told me then….”
“I could barely think of it myself,” he admitted softly. “There was no way to tell ye. I could not destroy all that ye’d worked for.”
She sighed deeply. All the things that could have been different…. She decided that she had to let him know that she’d felt the same. But how? It didn’t matter anymore other than to have it be known. “You were right, you know.” She looked up and saw him watching her. “At Xavier’s. Though that wasn’t the right word….” She stopped, hoping he would understand. When the realization flickered in his eyes, she nodded just slightly. He knew. She looked down again. “John, I wish you had told me then. Things… have changed.”
She could hear him shuffle his feet uncomfortably. “It seems time works against us all.” He paused, considering his next question. “You are happy?”
Nodding, she looked up again. “Tis not always easy, but aye, I am.”
Dark blue eyes caught her gaze. “And the one?”
He didn’t know? Of all the things he had said, that stunned her the most. He had never asked about it – hadn’t even listened to the rumors running rampant. “I… suppose twould be best for me to tell you.” She looked over his shoulder, toward the front of the keep where she knew he would be. Her words came very softly. “I fell in love with Daca a long while ago, John. He was… a friend. When I truly needed one.” She trailed off. What more needed to be said?
He only nodded, absorbing the news. He seemed to accept it. “Then all is as it should be.” He looked down again.
“Aye.” She was at a loss, her mind scrambling for words. Everything was in the open now. The old pain was still there, but it was an easier one to bear. “Will you be staying with us long?”
He shrugged, his gaze never meeting hers. “Who’s to say?” He gathered himself. “I think I should be on my way now… need to check in on my horse.”
She stood up straight. “John….” He stopped, looking back at her. She told him very sincerely, “Thank you for being honest with me…. I was angry with you, when I should not have been.”
He gave her the barest hint of a smile, his eyes guarded. “I get along, as I always have.”
She called after him, “Twas good to see you again.”
His smile warmed a little as he looked back once more. “Aye, and ye.”
The last she saw of him was his cloak as it swirled behind him back into the keep.